Greetings! You can call me Inept, which is a perfectly accurate description. If you call me Shieldmaid, which is most inaccurate, I will be immensely flattered and probably giggle a bit.

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Five times Caspian needed a bigger ship and one time he didn’t (1853 words) by ineptshieldmaid
Fandom: Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis, Voyage of the dawn treader - Fandom
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warning: Author Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Caspian/Edmund Pevensie, Caspian/Ramandu's Daughter
Characters: Caspian X, Drinian, Edmund Pevensie, Reepicheep, Eustace Scrubb, Lucy Pevensie, Lilliandil (Ramandu’s Daughter)
Summary:

In which Drinian is long-suffering, everyone cockblocks Caspian, and it’s never a good idea to play cricket aboard the Dawn Treader.

Please note it’s my policy not to use archive warnings for Narnia fic - see story notes and additional tags for content disclosure.

This fic is presented to the members of edmund_caspian on the occasion of our surpassing 200 members.

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The Prophecies of Merlin (895 words) by ineptshieldmaid, kayloulee
Fandom: Merlin (BBC), Geoffrey of Monmouth - Historia Regnum Britanniae, Medieval literature - Fandom
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Arthur/Gwen
Characters: Merlin, Arthur, Gwen, Leon (Merlin)
Summary:

Merlin has a habit of getting drunk and producing incomprehensible prophecies. Or, what happens when Inept has to read Monmouth for school.

ed: and now with co-author credit to K. Mwahaha.

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So, folks, Agentrojie's getting married! It is traditional to celebrate one's friend's upcoming nuptials by means of getting drunk and giving her inappropriate phallic-shaped presents. And we here on the internet certainly do love phallic-shaped things (byo drunkenness).

Therefore, I propose that we celebrate agenttrojie's online hen's party!



Things that are appropriate to an online hen's party (I am making these rules up as I go along):

1. Well-wishes
2. Bad jokes
3. Gifs, pics and humorous photos of cats
4. Commentfic
5. Commentporn
6. Other miscellaneous comment-based fanworks
7. Ridiculousness of all sorts

But do I have to know agenttrojie to participate?
No, no you do not. Willingness to participate in celebratory shenanigans is all that is required!

But what does agenttrojie like?
Many, many things. A shortlist from the top of Inept's head: Arthur/Eames (Inception); Tom Hardy in general and especially his upper back; Handsome Bob/One Two (RockNRolla); Edmund/Caspian (Narnia); molluscs; ridiculous frotting; Merlin, Gwaine, Arthur and Lancelot (Merlin) in almost any combination; crossdressing; geekery of all sorts; crack; crossovers; ALL THE THINGS.

This party will be open from 21:00:00 GMT, Sunday 30th of Jan. Comments will be closed until then to give me time to send out invitations!

Ed: And we are open for squee and ridiculousness!

Directory of commentfic
Merlin and Arthur at someone else's wedding, by lolafeist
The Pornographic Adventures of Our Hero and His Mate, aka smutty speculation by Inept and Trojie on the topic of this gif - and continued here with the aid of hsavinien.
Edmund/Caspian commentporn by Trojie

Title: They Won't Leave Me Alone
Fandom: Inception
Music: 'The Dream Police' - Cheap Trick
Rating: Teen+ (Source material is rated PG-13 in the United States)
Format: WMV, 47mb
Disclaimer: Audio and visuals remain copyright of their respective owners. This transformative work is not made for profit.
Summary: A Fischer-and-Cobb character study, on the premise that each of them is persecuted by 'the men inside my brain', as the song would have it.

Content notes: Contains no potentially distressing material which isn't in the film. For those not familiar with the source, this includes the following -
(skip) Contemplation of suicide; falling off high buildings; a stabbing scene; a couple of hostage situations; immersion in water - oh, and the base premise of people invading your mind while you sleep.
Additional vidder's notes: Beta-checked by kayloulee (for which read: I subjected her to constant showings of my work-in-progress for two days right after she'd got off a trans-pacific flight). As I'm new to the whole vidding process - and indeed, to the process of ripping footage - concrit is vastly appreciated. I've made some notes on technical issues I experienced at the bottom of the DW post.

Download, embed and technical notes on DW

K and I are endeavouring to put together Aziraphale and Crowley costumes for the weekend, and somehow we ended up concluding that we should genderswap them.

I have:

* Black not-leather ladies' jacket
* Black skinny jeans OR black dress pants
* Docs
* Black wings

But what would lady!Crowley wear under her jacket, O flist?

A) the Threadless Spoilers Shirt. Spoiling is low-grade evil, after all
B) Something black and sexy
C) Something black and not feminine, a button-down shirt or similar
D) A Queen t-shirt (SADLY I DO NOT OWN ONE)
E) A plain black top with a white waistcoat

FURTHERMORE, would lady!crowley wear makeup, and if so, what sort?

ETA: Also, K wants confirmation as to what lady!Aziraphale would wear. Knee-length black skirt with buttons down it, white shirt, blue vest is what we have at the moment. Or possibly pants? If pants are involved, how would anyone know we were actually genderswapping, as opposed to being lazy and using things we just had in our closets? OPINIONS PLEASE.

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K is a terrible enabling enabler.

May I recommend Reparations, by saras_girl , podfic read by 6shotamericano , a tale in which Harry Potter is a junior mediwizard, and Draco is the wizarding world's equivalent of a psychologist, and due to hilarious events they're stuck together for a whole month, Draco overseeing Harry's training rotation in the Chemical Dependance ward. Featuring many excellent OCs, and quite detailed world-building w/r/t to Mungos administration and the complicated world of wizarding drugs. The fic is brilliant and hilarious (although the author commits occasional crimes against semi-colons), and the podfic recording is wonderful, with distinct voices for all the characters and a brilliant dry wit in the reading. But over ten hours long, so.

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Title: Honour
Authors: agenttrojie and tea_fiend
Read by: Ineptshieldmaid
Fandom: Narnia (Prince Caspian, mostly movieverse)
Rating: PG
File information: 00:10:10, 9.3mb MP3
Summary: Edmund was not stupid. Maybe not as chivalrous and trusting as Peter, but then in situations like this, that was all to the good.

Download the podfic from Megaupload or the audiofic archive.

Trojie and Bridget have given me license to record their long string of angst-ridden E/C fics, so I have that to look forward to. And Trojie has undertaken to record my abortive "Men of Honour" series, and also "What's In It For the Warlock". GLEE. Podfic is so much FUN.

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Today I marked a lot of students' exercises, uploaded some more fic to the A03, and recorded two podfics. One is waiting on approval by Trojie, but the other is good to go! I am rather pleased with how this turned out - all (vr. soft) porn, but it suits oral (snerk snerk) delivery very well.

Title: Ridiculous, Undignified, and Ill-Advised (on DW // on the AO3)
Fandom: Narnia - VOTD
Author/Reader: Ineptshieldmaid/Ineptshieldmaid.
Pairing: Edmund/Caspian
Rating: Mature
Content notes: None apply
File details: 00:03:37; 3.32mb MP3
Summary: Sometimes, at school, Edmund had been subjected to lectures about his 'difficult stage of life': lectures which emphasised the importance of self-restraint and good clean air. Well, there was plenty of good clean air aboard the Dawn Treader, and it didn't seem to be doing anything for his self-restraint.

Download here from MegaUpload or the audiofic archive.

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So I had a chance to get to the post office today and pick up the copy of Kiss Me Deadly which arrived in the mail for me.

Kiss Me Deadly is an anthology of "paranormal love", according to the cover. I bought it because Sarah Rees Brennan said she had a short story in it entitled The Spy Who Never Grew Up, in which Peter Pan is on a mission for Her Majesty's Secret Service.

And, true, The Spy Who Never Grew Up was pretty cool! Further proof that the distinction between "legitimate" stories and fanfiction is utterly bollocks: this is a mad, post-canon Peter Pan crackfic. There were many things I liked about it: the characterisation of Peter himself, halfway between daydream child and nightmare; Ninja Star the intersex fairy (like all fairies, zie can only feel one thing at a time, and 99% of the time zie feels fierce); the way that dystopic post-canon Neverland is heartbreaking, and slightly sickening, and yet still An Awfully Big Adventure. Sarah captures everything that is gorgeous and wonderful about Peter and Neverland and yet everything that is wrong about both of them.

There are, however, many things which I think let the story down - the handling of Tinkerbell, for example. The plot itself was pretty flimsy. Ashley seemed more like a... an interpretive mirror for Wendy, I suppose, than like a person. I really couldn't figure out what makes Ashley tick.

There were also some hilariously familiar fannish tropes in here: the story, like all the stories in this collection, contains a "paranormal" kiss, and the kiss was such a FAMILIAR fandom cliche that I cracked up laughing. But it works.

BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT MAKES ME LOVE THIS BOOK. Oh no. It turns out that the reason I am going to love this book like it is my long-lost soulmate or something is a story called The Hounds of Ulster by Maggie Steifvater. About Bryant Black and Patrick Sullivan, who are teenagers determined to become the gods of Irish punk music. Sullivan has a fiddle and Bryant has a guitar and they have sex, except in music form. It is hot. Possibly it's less hot if you (unlike me, Bryant, and clearly the author) don't think that really fast reels are sex in musical form, but still. It is hot. And then ( spoilersCollapse )

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